Helpful Homework Hints

Recently, with the threat of new classes looming large, I've been thinking about my study habits (or lack thereof) and what I could do to improve them. In my fifteen years on this earth, I have amassed quite a few helpful tips. Not all of them have to do with studying - in fact, most are very specific, like "If you're going on a bike ride early in the morning before you're really awake and you see a scissor-tailed flycatcher on a wire and you try to get a closer look while you're turning your bike around the corner, and you're also ten years old but somehow you're still not that good at riding a bike, you'll probably fall off your bike and break your arm, so you should try not to do that." Some of them, however, might be helpful to other people too - and this blog is a great place to share them. That's why today, I give you...

8 Habits of Highly Effective Students, Brought to You By An Average Homeschooled Teenager Who Has Read Thousands of Helpful Study Advice Posts On Pinterest But Is Too Lazy to Actually Implement Most of Them In Her Real Life

1. Review your notes. This is best done directly after class, when the lesson is still fresh in your mind. However, it is more practical to wait until three weeks later, when you've changed your handwriting again and you can't remember whether that little jagged line is supposed to be a j or an a. The best way to review is to stare idly at the page for an hour or two, singing along to your music, then slam your notebook closed and declare yourself done.
2. This brings me to my next tip, music. Music is an essential part of the student's study tools. Some "experts" suggest quiet, classical music to stimulate brain activity and simultaneously expose you to great masters, but this is obviously ridiculous. I would suggest loud, angry music that will get you righteously indignant at being asked - no, demanded - to learn things that you will never use because you are above all this crap. You have better things to do with your life, like lie on your floor for seven hours listening to Paramore.
3. Other so-called experts suggest occasional exercise throughout your day, to wake yourself up and reduce boredom in between study sessions. This is unequivocally wrong. The only exercise that you should be getting during cramming season is the from the trip to and from the kitchen to get snacks.
4. Snacks are the most important resource for stressed students. Chips, cookies, and chocolate are the best food items for learning, as they make you feel tired and bloated, so you won't be convinced to leave your bedroom (a.k.a. The Study Cave) for anything. 
5. Flashcards. It is really helpful to spend several hours measuring the index cards to make sure they are all perfectly even before you write on them. Then, of course, you can't write on them until you have color-coded ink from a stationary store, and then you need to create a system with card boxes, post-it notes and illustrations to help get the point across. By the time the flash cards are finished, the school year will be over, but at least you'll have sixteen boxes of beautifully made cards with pre-calculus formulas that you will definitely use in later life.
5. It's really important to get lots of sleep during the school year, so you'll stay fresh for your intense studying. That's why I recommend going to sleep no later than 5 A.M. and try to wake up between 6 and 7 A.M. to maximize morning study time. You will be so well-rested that you might even feel tired or start to hallucinate, but it's just a trick of the mind.
6. In class, it can be tempting to let your attention wander. Do not let this happen! You must be constantly vigilant to prevent this disaster from happening. The best way to ensure your constant attention is to stop taking notes (they can distract you from the true message of the class) and draw lots of little stars on the side of your notebook.
7. It can be very helpful to get a "study buddy," a friend with whom you can compare notes and prepare for tests together. A good "study date" will go like this: put all of your textbooks and notes on the table, go into the next room for a High School Musical marathon, and pack up your books five hours later.
8. If you want to be successful in school and in life, procrastination is a big no-no. Writing blog posts, reading study tips, looking out the window, and standing up are obviously out of the question. However, when your research brings you to the Internet, it is occasionally acceptable to browse your Facebook for a short period of time, check your email for important messages, and spend upwards of six hours on YouTube.

These tips are crucial to learning how to study hard and fast. Cramming for tests is incredibly important, as it teaches you to regurgitate trivia on command, a talent without which you are a failure as a human being. Your worth depends entirely on being able to take a standardized test, which can equally and fairly determine every person's knowledge without bias. After all, the only way a person can possibly be intelligent is if they conform to an outdated system and are measured, graded, and compared to someone else.

Right??

~Maya