Dunce cap

Dunce Cap

   Working in a DST haze in not recommended.  Try at your own risk. And for those concerned, DST stands for Denying Sleep Torture, or in some countries, "Daylight Savings time."

The Youthful Vernacular

Are you feeling increasingly distant from a young person in your life? Do you feel baffled when you hear your teen talking to his or her friends? Do their intercepted e-mails make as much sense as gobbledegook? Do your conversations go something like this:

You: "Hello dear."

Teen: "Ugh Mom!" 

Worry no more - today I bring to you the product of a generation, a dictionary of handy teen-2-grown-up* communication, with handy conversation examples!
*psst, Handy Hint! Teens usually swap the numeral "2" for the words "to," "too," and "two"!

a$$
This is an interesting example, because teens have swapped the symbol "$" for the consonant "s." However, this word still means "posterior (informal, rude)."

brb
This acronym means "be right back," and can be used either as an exclamation (example 1) or an apology (example 2).
Example 1: Teen: "Oh, you have to leave? Well BRB!"
Example 2: Teen: "I have to do my chores, but I'll BRB!" 

bro
Originally deriving from the word "brother," this word conveys a sense of kinship and camaraderie in a conversation.  

lol
This word is often mistaken, but it does not in fact mean "Lots Of Love" - in fact, teenagers use it to mean "Laughing Out Loud."
Teen 1: "Did you see that funny picture? LOL!"
Teen 2: "Haha LOL!"

lmao
A variation of "lol," this word means "Laughing My A** Off." Pronounced "le mau," teens often use it to sound sophisticated. If you're concerned by the vulgarity of this phrase, guide your teen towards substitutes like lmbo, "Laughing My Butt Off."

man
This is no longer simply applicable to the male gender; young people of today have taken to calling both boys and girls "man." See also: dude and bro

no0b
No, that's not a typo - teens really DO use a zero (0) instead of an o (o)! Often used by video "gamers," this word is somewhat like "newbie." It is a put-down.
Teen 1: "How do I use this game controller?"
Teen 2: "Haha no0b! You R a no0b!"

om*g
Similarly to "omg," this abbreviation stands for "oh my ******* God." It is highly disrespectful and inappropriate, and the parent should ban it at all costs, as Candice Kelsey can attest. According to THIS ARTICLE ("hyperlinked" here for your convenience), "[Kelsey], a high school teacher in Los Angeles, said one of her ninth grade boys blurted out 'OMFG' in class after reading an essay assignment on the chalkboard. When Kelsey asked for his apology, the teen argued that he didn't say a bad word, but rather just four random letters. 'I offered to send him to the HOS (head of school), another random string of letters,' Kelsey said, but 'eventually he apologized.'" Good job Kelsey!

pr0n
WARNING: if your teen is typing this word, seek help immediately. This word is a deliberate misspelling of "p*rnography," and if your young adult is searching or conversing about this, it is time to have a serious conversation.
Teen (texting to friend): "My mom doesn't know I watch pr0n!"
Mom: "Dear, we should have a talk."
Teen: "I'm sorry, Mom."

ship
Why is your teenager discussing nautical activity? you may wonder. Of course, they're not really talking about boats! "Ship" is a shortened version of "relationship," and can be used when a teenager believes someone would be a good couple.
Teacher: Class, today we will be discussing Pride and Prejudice.
Teen: OMG Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth are lyk SO CUTE!! I ship it! 

sup
A conjunction combining "what," "is," and "up," this word is often used as a both a greeting and a question.
Teen 1: "Hello! Sup?"
Teen 2: "Not much! LOL!"
For some adolescents, the entire conversation can consist of "sup"!
Teen: "Sup."

selfie
This word is a recent acquisition to the teen vocabulary, meaning a picture one takes of oneself. This is especially popular among teenage girls, who post pictures of themselves at Starbucks, while waiting for classes, and other typically teenage activities.
Mom: "Dear, can you help me with the groceries?"
Teen: "I can't, Mom, I'm making a selfie!"

totes
No, your teenager isn't talking about a hip type of tote bag - this word means "totally"!
Teen 1: Do you want to go the mall tonight?
Teen 2: LOL! Totes! 

wt*
This abbreviation stands for "what the ****", and is often used to convey amazement or surprise. Rather than this foul language, however, guide your teenager toward the alternatives WTP ("what the poop") or WTH ("what the heck").

:-)
This is not a random grouping of symbols - it's a smiling face! If you don't see it immediately, tilt your head to the left. The colon symbolizes the eyes, the dash represents a nose, and the parenthesis looks like a smile. Your teen may employ endless variations of this common addition to text messages, including:
:-( sad face
:-D very happy face
;-) winking face
HELPFUL HINT: beware the context of this face! In some scenarios, this can constitute "teenage flirting." Example:
Teen 1: How R U?
Teen 2: Good ;-)

#
No, this isn't a pound symbol or a symbol meaning "number"! It is a "hash-tag," often used on social media sites like Myspace, Facebook, and AOL Messenger.
Teen 1 (posting on his or her social media web-site): I love my Mom! #family

<3
This symbol signifies a heart. To better understand this representation, imagine this symbol: < as the bottom of the heart, and the "3" as the top. Teens may add 3's to show their intense feelings. This is a helpful indicator of a teen romance to come - so if you see your teen using this symbol, it's time to discuss dating rules!
Teen 1 (boy): C U 2morrow!
Teen 2 (girl): OK! Miss U! <33333333

Are you still unsure whether you fully "get" (to use teen lingo) this unorthodox method of communication? Well, here's a final test! Below is a text message, which you can practice your newfound skills on by decoding! Never fear - a translation will be provided.

Hey bro! Sup. Lol im lyk wtf did U say 2 my mom bc she's lyk, R U WATCHIN pr0n?? No! I'm not down with that. it's lyke a bad selfie. it sux. omfg man lmao tho. im gonna be l8 4 skool but i'll BRB ok? tell the principal 4 me bc i'm not a no0b and i dont wanna B kicked in the a$$! i got 2 go but ttyl. :-)

Translation: Hello! How are you? I laughed because I want to know what you told my mother. She asked me, "are you watching pornography?" But I'm not. I don't like things like that. It's akin to taking a bad photo of yourself. It's not good. Oh my goodness though I am laughing very hard. I will be late for school but I'll be there soon, understand? Please tell the principal for me, because I'm not inexperienced with this and I don't want to be blamed for it. I have to leave, but I look forward to talking with you soon. (smile).

We here at the Parental Education and New Information Society hope this information has been helpful. We will "C U L8er"!

-Maya

Some Internet Highlights From The Past Few Weeks

(alternate title: Things I Thought Were More Important Than Taking The Time To Write A Decent Blog Post)
(alternate alternate title: Obviously Looking Up Proper Capitalization Wasn't One Of Those Things)
(alternate alternate alternate title: Just Call Me Jaden Smith)

Anyway.

The Fault in Our Stars movie trailer. This was released over a month ago, but it's still relevant, and it will continue to be relevant until the actual movie comes out (on June 6...not that I'm counting down or anything). The trailer looks incredibly promising - the actors look perfect, it seems to match the book, and it moved me to tears in two minutes and thirty seconds.

wolf pupy's twitter. I hadn't heard of wolf pupy until he wrote an article for Rookie, but now he's one of my favorite people (animals?) on the interweb.

Alex Turner's acceptance speech at the Brits. There are mixed opinions on this speech, some blasting him for arrogance, pretension, and egotism, others calling it "the speech of the century" and saying it "was everything rock and roll is meant to be." Personally, I loved his speech, and I love how the Monkeys have never hidden their disdain for awards ceremonies. After the ceremony, Alex said "I refuse to put too much importance on these things.... A band or group or an artist's talent is not directly proportional to the size of their trophy cabinet."

Speaking of Arctic Monkeys, the music video for Arabella (one of my favorite songs from their latest album) was released yesterday, and it is completely wonderful. I love how 50's it seems, and - as always - Alex's quiff is immaculate.
 

This video by one of my favorite vloggers, explaining why she loves the movie Clueless, almost exclusively using Clueless-isms.

And finally, here's another video, this time by the wonderful John Green, explaining that he's grateful that his book is a bestseller but pointing you in the direction of some that aren't. Honestly, I hadn't read any of the books on his list, but they look fantastic and I just bought two of them.

Whoa! My book started with a movie of a book by John Green and ended with a video by John Green about books! FULL CIRCLE BRO. 

~Maya

Read more at http://www.nme.com/news/arctic-monkeys/75619#YcRcUWQVOd2qOrUi.99

"I refuse to put too much importance on these things. I've got a lot of respect for these ceremonies, but it's not what we do it for and it never was.

A band or a group or an artist's talent is not directly proportional to the size of their trophy cabinet.

Read more at http://www.nme.com/news/arctic-monkeys/75619#YcRcUWQVOd2qOrUi.99

"I refuse to put too much importance on these things. I've got a lot of respect for these ceremonies, but it's not what we do it for and it never was.

A band or a group or an artist's talent is not directly proportional to the size of their trophy cabinet.

Read more at http://www.nme.com/news/arctic-monkeys/75619#YcRcUWQVOd2qOrUi.99

Temples: Sun Structures

Having heard some buzz surrounding their new album, I decided to sit down and listen to Temples' Sun Structures. And it was definitely worth the time.

Overall:
To quote the great NME online magazine, "Throughout this hazy, charmed hour, Temples mingle note-perfect ‘Nuggets…’-era references – The Electric Prunes, 13th Floor Elevators, The Monkees’ ‘Head’, Love, ‘Rubber Soul’, The Byrds, The Zombies and step-inside-the-kaleidoscope Tibetan drones galore – but never once take their foot off the melody pedal, making ‘Mesmerise’, ‘The Golden Throne’ and ‘Test Of Time’ sound like modern rejuvenations of psych in the same way that The Last Shadow Puppets gave orchestral ’60s lounge pop a blast of musical Optrex...they add Arabian grooves to ‘Sand Dance’, pastoral Byrdsian tones to ‘Move With The Season’ and glam tinges to ‘Keep In The Dark’, right down to the tiger-footed stomp, glittery handclaps and honking horns." There's an interesting quality to the choruses of all of their songs - they're strange and somehow very pretty. The appearance of all of the Indian/Middle Eastern influences is also very intriguing. Though the albums are extremely different, a lot of the same style shines through in Warpaint's new album, and it will something to watch and see if it begins appearing in more popular music.

Interesting really is the thing to emphasize in the discussion of this album.  There's no denying Temples have set up something great for themselves with this. The fact that many of the songs sounds similar somehow doesn't really ever become an issue: there's always enough going on in the music to keep you hooked, and there are enough unexpected changes of style and sound to keep you listening. It's unique and a refreshing thing to hear in the void of many mediocre more experimental albums that have been put out in the past few years. I will be interested to see what happens for them as time goes on, but there's definitely a place for them in the music industry. The question will just be whether or not they get the exposure they need (and is so difficult to receive) to catch on.

Track by track review:
Shelter Song
Really good, super Beatles-influenced track. Sets up everything that appears through the rest of the album: stacked and filtered vocals, quick tempo, Beatles influence, psychedelic and Indian-influenced style. The song captivates the listener and calls for them to keep listening as it moves quickly into the next song.

Sun Structures
Fast tempo, cool guitar and drum lines. Very, very Indian influenced, interesting guitar solo heavy effect pedals and stylistic oddity abound. Back and forth between two very different styles: an almost electronic sounding, hard guitar in a low register and a filtered, soloistic guitar in a very high register, all layered over a mid range continual guitar line.

The Golden Throne
The most clearly defined vocals yet appear in this song, with some weird choirness going on in the background. This one changes up the style of song that they created with the first two, making sure the listener isn't bored. Interesting, catchy line appears.

Keep in the Dark
A very throwback feel appears in this song, with an almost funky guitar line and a beat that makes you want to get up and clap your hands. My favorite one so far. Faint orchestral lines appear and this one takes a step back to an almost 60s sound, further back than before. Also very Beatles influenced. Just when you start to wonder if the song is a little to repetitive, they throw in a drum breakdown in the middle with some harp weirdness.

Mesmerize
Another electronic sounding guitar opening. Sets up similar to the last with more clearly heard vocals. Does the same thing as the last: just when you start to wonder if it's too repetitive, it strips it down to a vocal solo with a change of tempo and keeps your attention until the chorus comes around one last time. Interesting guitar and bass outro that moves directly into the next track.

Move With the Season
Slower than the previous songs, and the Indian influences are back, as are the Beatles influences. The vocals are stacked very interestingly, and the arpeggiated guitar sections keep your attention the whole way through. The 60s pop style appears a bit in the chorus, with the appearance of a string section over the gorgeous melody. 

Colours to Life
The string section and arpeggiated guitars are back, but in a different way than before. This one's musically a little weaker than the previous songs, but it's still pretty good. Cool outro that ties back to the opening that fades out into the next song.

A Question Isn't Answered
A surprise beginning to this song, with what sounds like a group of people clapping. Then the aerial vocals enter and the Middle Eastern influences are stronger than ever before. The clapping slowly fades out and is replaced with a strong drumbeat that, like Keep it in the Dark, make you just want to get up and clap. Like the previous song, it fades back to an outro that is basically just a shorter version of the outro.

The Guesser
Pretty catchy song, considering that it didn't lose any of the psychedelic style of the rest of the album. It definitely wouldn't feel out of place on Tame Impala's Lonerism.

Test of Time
This song is a little bit weaker than some of the others. It didn't really set up any material that the rest of the songs hadn't already presented, and it just wasn't quite as rock-ish as some of the others.

Sand Dance
A very dramatic tempo change from the last song, but it doesn't feel strange or out of place. This one especially has a 60s feel, but towards the end of it I started losing interest. he contrast section that they typically throw in to draw back the listener didn't come until later in the song, but when it did it was one of the coolest moments of the whole thing. 

Fragment's Light
Whoa, unexpected Spanish acoustic guitar intro. The albums goes out with a quiet, and again very Middle Eastern influenced sound. This is a perfect album closer: unexpected, quiet, and dreamlike. It wakes you from the haze of listening to this and gently pulls you back into the real world, while still remaining faintly in the back of your mind.

~Simone

Watch: Bruno Mars' Glorious Performance with RHCP

From the drum intro (:50 ) to the group dancing (3:48 ), to the James Brown impression (6:35), to the explosive performance with the Red Hot Chili Peppers (7:18), this year's Super Bowl halftime show was pure awesomeness. (Though, I think we can all agree that everything past 10:05 should not have been there.)

~Simone

Constructive Criticism

Dear people who complain about musicians,

     If you’re going to complain about someone’s music say this: “God, I HATE THIS!” This means that a) you personally HATE THIS and b) this is your opinion. If you’re going to complain about someone’s music don’t say this: “Wow, this musician has literally no talent”, “Seriously? An ape could write this! Oh wait!”, or “Wow, the quality of music these days...” Now yes, some music is simpler that other music, some music can be more difficult to play, but just know that attacking a musician like that is like telling someone that the way they are existing isn't worth anyone’s time. Feel free to have your own opinions, but remember what an abstract thing “talent” is. There is no objective way to measure it and you cannot be RIGHT or WRONG about the quality of music.

     Music is Art. If you were going to be critical about a painting you’d probably say something constructive like this: “Wow, I feel like the focal point of this piece isn’t balanced with all this negative space over here” or “Hm. Ya’ know, I don’t think there’s enough contrast being applied with the colors, it just feels a little bland.” You wouldn’t say: “How could this possibly mean anything to anyone?”, “The message that this artist is trying to convey is completely worthless” or “This painter obviously has no talent.” What the heck.

     So hands (meaning words) off my music or anyone else’s, because someone, somewhere, right now, is dancing or crying or singing along to this song. And I mean obviously the lack of talent the singer/guitarist/songwriter/drummer has has invalidated the emotions of a thousand human beings, but just try to be nicer okay? Seriously though, keep opinions where opinions need to be kept, separate them from measurable facts, and don’t you try to tell me what you think about talent, because I hope it’s obvious that it’s really pissing me off.

Love you all,

Adair

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I'll be honest: I watched the movie before I read the book. I'll be really honest: I watched the movie three times before I read the book. Now, usually, I believe that if you watch the movie first, then you might as well not read the book at all (and you don't deserve to be literate). Half the fun of watching a book-to-movie adaptation is bitching about how they cut scenes or changed characters that feel integral to the story.

With Perks, though, I'm kind of glad I watched the movie first. It has been billed as "the Breakfast Club of the new millenium," and although this is a high standard to measure up to, I think that Perks pulled it off. The movie was written and directed by Stephen Chbosky, author of the book, which ensured that the movie was as close to the book as possible. There's also amazing acting by the three stars. Logan Lerman, at over 20 years old, realistically portrays a troubled fourteen year old. This was the first movie I had seen with Ezra Miller but it made me love him - his portrayal of Patrick was immediately likeable and surprisingly un-cliched.The film also shows Emma Watson is capable of expanding her acting abilities and can play more than the Hermione Granger character. And Mae Whitman, who voiced Katara in Avatar: The Last Airbender (the TV show, not the movie), was fabulous as Mary Elizabeth, one of Charlie's new friends.

Basically, Perks is the story of Charlie's freshman year of high school. At first, I was kind of afraid it was going to have that after-school-special feel ("and then the ugly nerd girl turned into a cheerleader and all the football players accepted the gay guy and they lived happily ever after"), but soon it became clear that that wasn't even close to the real story. Then I was sure it was going to be a Go Ask Alice/Jay's Journal situation ("and everything was terrible and nothing would ever get better and so she killed herself and he died of an overdose and that's what being a teenager is all about"), and actually that was a lot closer to the mark.

Charlie (played by Logan Lerman in the movie) is an introverted freshman who clearly has some issues, but finally feels accepted when confident, beautiful senior Sam (Emma Watson) and her similarly confident and outgoing stepbrother Patrick (Ezra Miller) take him under their wing.

The book is written as a series of letters to an unknown recipient, addressed simply as "dear friend." They chronicle Charlie's journey through his first year of high school, from his predictably unrequited crush on Sam to his first forays into drug use (he accidentally takes pot, then later purposefully drops acid), to his painful descent into a confused haze.

Even when everything seems to be going fine, there's a nagging feeling that something's off - Charlie keeps dropping hints about having "the memories" again, although the reader doesn't know what this means. At first it seems likely that they could be related to the suicide of his best friend, which occurred just the year before, but it soon becomes clear that there's something more.

As in Catcher in the Rye, it's clear that the protagonist might not be unbiasedly telling the whole story - while Holden is just a narrator whose perspective can sometimes be untrustworthy, Charlie's naivete and repressed memories conspire to make his version of reality less than reliable.

Perks is also similar to Catcher in that both main characters are lonely and struggling to be heard, and both of them end up in a psychiatric hospital, but that's where the resemblance ends. Holden is cynical and aloof, while Charlie is naive and desperately wants friends - he trusts everyone. 

Although Perks was published over ten years ago, it's still popular, and is still quoted often on tumblr (next to John Green quotes and artsy pictures of coffee). One of the reasons I think both the book and the movie have been so successful is their realistic look at high school. Although admittedly I don't have much experience in a "real" high school environment, this John Hughes-esque take on the teenage experience seems much more probable than the High School Musical version. It  doesn't show the world through rose-tinted glasses but offers up glimmers of hope in what would otherwise be an incredibly depressing situation.

Perks is never nostalgic, and openly mocks people who yearn to return to their high school "glory days" - but it also acknowledges the feeling that future is coming too fast, and the fear that "someday all these pictures will be old photographs." It's surprisingly funny even when it's heartbreaking, and most of all, it's utterly believable.

-Maya

D is for DAMN GOOD MUSIC

In this age when "there's only music so that there's new ringtones" (A Certain Romance), it has become increasingly difficult to find interesting, thought-provoking music that doesn't insult the intelligence of its listener (see: Katy Perry, Peacock).

Arctic Monkeys, an English indie rock band formed in 2002 by Sheffield schoolmates Alex Turner, Nick O'Malley, Matt Helders, and Jamie Cook, are clearly going against this trend. Alex Turner writes the lyrics for their songs, and I recently saw a comparison of his lyrics and the lyrics of Every Other Band Ever: where another singer might say "I miss her when she's away," Alex declares "She's a silver lining lone ranger riding / Through an open space / In my mind when she's not right there beside me" (from the song R U Mine?)

Simone always teases me for being so slow to understand dumb puns and jokes (just the other day I realized that the costume store on South Congress, Lucy in Disguise with Diamonds, is like THE BEATLES SONG LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS! whoooaaa), and I'm amazed whenever I hear any kind of wordplay - so I can barely keep up with Alex's brilliant, lightning-fast turns of phrase and witty lyrics. Nowhere is this more apparent than in Brianstorm, from their 2007 album Favourite Worst Nightmare. I was going to choose the best lyrics to include here, but really, it's all just so good. Listen to the whole thing here, or check out a cool lyric breakdown here.

Another of my favorite songs is Pretty Vistors (from the 2009 album Humbug), with the chorus "All the pretty visitors came and waved their arms / and cast the shadow of a snake pit on the wall." I love this line because although it seems initially nonthreatening, it hints at something dark and ominous writhing just beneath the surface and showcases Alex's incredible ability to create a vivid image with just a few well-chosen words. Many of the other songs from this album evoke a similarly menacing feeling; for example take these from Crying Lightning: "And though I tried so not to suffer the indignity of a reaction / There was no cracks to grasp or gaps to claw." Like Pretty Visitors, this song seems dark and urgent.

My whole life, I've always learned that the mark of a good book, poem, or movie is being able to find something new to think about whenever you revisit it, no matter how many times you might do so. I'm an obsessive song-listener anyway - if I find a song I like, I'll listen to all day, every day, until I can't stand to hear it ever again - but since I became fully entrenched in this Arctic Monkeys obsession, I've noticed a new meaning every time I re-listen to a song.

"I couldn't got the hang of poetry," Alex sings in the title track of their 2011 album Suck It and See, but time and time again he disproves this claim. Most of the lyrics to Arctic Monkeys' songs read like poems, and indeed the song "I Wanna Be Yours" (from their latest album AM) reworks punk poet John Cooper Clarke's poem of the same name. "I think he's a fantastic lyricist," Clarke says of Alex in an interview. "He's always changing, and as a band they won't be pinned down."

Although the band's sound changes dramatically throughout their many albums, Alex's distinct style is recognizable in all of them. In their first album, Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not, Alex's lyrics seem simpler than his later work, but no less powerful. My favorite song from that album is When The Sun Goes Down, which is about a "scummy man" picking up a young prostitute. It's heartbreaking, and I love how Alex's anger at the man transposes perfectly to sorrowful tenderness for the girl:
Bet she's delighted when she sees him
Pulling in and giving her the eye
Because she must be fucking freezing
Scantily clad beneath the clear night sky

Reckless Serenade, from the album Suck It and See (2011), illustrates how far he has come as a lyricist, and shows how the general feeling of the band has shifted from rough, raw melodies to more polished, refined songs:
The type of kisses where teeth collide
When she laughs, the heavens hum a stun-gun lullaby
Those twinkling vixens with the shining spiral eyes
Their hypnosis goes unnoticed when she's walking by

Contrast those tender lyrics with the bitterness of these from Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But..., again from Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not:   
'Cause all you people are vampires
And all your stories are stale
And though you pretend to stand by us
I know you're certain we'll fail.

Alex has never really opened up about his method of songwriting or the meanings behind his lyrics, showing a guardedness to discuss his intentions for his work which is typical of poets and authors of all kinds. "Does anyone even want to know what I think about it?" he says in an interview. Eventually he said that he was "quite happy" with how the lyrics for Arabella had turned out, and it's easy to see why:
Arabella's got a 70's head
But she's a modern lover
It's an exploration, she's made of outer space
And her lips are like the galaxy's edge
And her kiss the colour of a constellation falling into place

Alex also composed original songs for the movie Submarine, and his distinct lyrical style is present there too: "I etched a face of a stopwatch / On the back of a raindrop / And did a swap for the sand in an hourglass" (Piledriver Waltz), "And you can shriek until you're hollow / Or whisper it the other way / Trying to save the youth without putting your shoes on" (It's Hard To Get Around the Wind).

All these lyrics could easily stand alone, and sometimes when I'm reading them I almost forget that the songs they accompany are equally amazing. Alex singing them takes them to the next level, not to mention the incredible musical talent of the rest of the band. This performance of 505 never fails to give me chills, and I absolutely love this performance of I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor, when they headlined at Glastonbury last year.

~Maya

p.s. D is actually for Dangerous. 

Grammys 2014

Beyonce & Jay Z

Is any comment needed? Just look at this picture.

Lorde

Lorde absolutely ruled, weird witchy style, odd dancing and all. 

Hunter Hayes

Is that...is that a goat singing? Oh, no, just Hunter Hayes.

Katy Perry

DEMENTORS! FIRE! DANCING! WITCH COSTUME! GIANT BUBBLE! Good thing all that is going on so we don't notice the terrible, terrible music! 

Robin Thicke/Chicago

Do I even need to write anything for this? Everybody knows what I would say. I am seething. GAH.

Keith Urban/Gary Clark Jr.

Gary Clark Jr. was pretty awesome.

John Legend
I don't...I can't...blah.

Taylor Swift

My neck hurts just watching this!

Pink & Nate Ruess

BRUNO MARS!!!!!!! Also, Cirque du soleil, anyone? I'm definitely not the biggest Pink fan, but that was definitely impressive. Wow. But I have to say, I was pretty disappointed with the second song. I love Nate Ruess, but he sounded like he was really straining his voice. I have to wonder if he's still having vocal issues, as he mentioned he was having a while ago. Especially since I know he's sounded infinitely better singing this song in the past. And he's proven before that he can really sing.

Ringo Starr
Still fantastic and adorned in a brightly colored suit, Starr rocked "Photograph" from his 1973 album.

Kendrick Lamar & Imagine Dragons

This was an interesting performance. There was some cool stuff going on with the drums, and the energy from both of them was crazy, but there was still something a little lacking about this performance.

Paul McCartney & Ringo Starr

YES. With McCartney on his brightly painted piano with Starr on drums, the pair of Beatles performed “Queenie Eye” from Macca’s latest album, New. The tempo was upbeat and McCartney commanded the vocals like a legend.

Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard, and Blake Shelton

This is a mess....I'll start reviewing these again as soon as something good happens.

Daft Punk & Pharrell & Stevie Wonder

Sara Bareillies & Carol King

Metallica & Lang Lang

Wow. The highlight of the night came in this huge, crescendoing, virtuosic performance. To quote Rolling Stone, "It reached its apex when Hammett played his regular solo and Lang Lang banged out discordant, modern classical motifs. Both Hetfield and Hammett gathered around him, and – with Pharrell Williams' approval in the audience – the "One" came full circle."

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis & Queen Latifah & Madonna

Did Queen Latifah just marry a bunch of people or...? Also, how many more times is Macklemore going to play this song at awards shows?

Queens of the Stone Age & Nine Inch Nails & Dave Grohl & Lindsey Buckingham

Thank the lord for good music. Despite it being cut off before it was finished (!!), this was a fantastic performance. To quote Rolling Stones' review, "If someone were to isolate the tracks of the song, it might sound like pretentious noodling – a little EDM flourish there, some jangly country guitar there, some Muppet-like drum crushing from Grohl and a whole lot of sweet vocal harmonies. But together, it made for a sound that was far trippier than the lighting rig but also something that was more than the sum of its parts." Josh Homme is impossibly, effortlessly cool and I really wish I could have seen the entire song.

~Simone

WINNERS

Record of the year 
"Get Lucky" -- Daft Punk featuring Pharrell Williams and Nile Rodgers -- WINNER 
"Radioactive" -- Imagine Dragons 
"Royals" -- Lorde 
"Locked out of Heaven" -- Bruno Mars 
"Blurred Lines" -- Robin Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell

Album of the year 
"The Blessed Unrest" -- Sara Bareilles 
"Random Access Memories" -- Daft Punk -- WINNER 
"Good Kid, M.A.A.D City" -- Kendrick Lamar 
"The Heist" -- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis 
"Red" -- Taylor Swift

Song of the year 
"Just Give Me a Reason" -- P!nk featuring Nate Ruess 
"Locked Out of Heaven" -- Bruno Mars 
"Roar" -- Katy Perry 
"Royals" -- Lorde -- WINNER 
"Same Love" -- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Best new artist 
James Blake 
Kendrick Lamar 
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis -- WINNER 
Kacey Musgraves 
Ed Sheeran

Best pop solo performance 
Sara Bareilles -- "Brave" 
Lorde -- "Royals" -- WINNER 
Bruno Mars -- "When I Was Your Man" 
Katy Perry -- "Roar" 
Justin Timberlake -- "Mirrors"

Best pop duo/group performance 
Daft Punk featuring Pharrell Williams and Nile Rodgers -- "Get Lucky" -- WINNER 
P!nk featuring Nate Ruess -- "Just Give Me a Reason" 
Rihanna featuring Mikky Ekko -- "Stay" 
Robin Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell -- "Blurred Lines" 
Justin Timberlake and Jay Z -- "Suit & Tie"

Best pop instrumental album 
Herb Alpert -- "Steppin' Out" -- WINNER 
Boney James -- "The Beat" 
Earl Klugh -- "Handpicked" 
Dave Koz, Gerald Albright, Mindi Abair and Richard Elliot -- "Summer Horns" 
Jeff Lorber Fusion -- "Hacienda"

Best pop vocal album 
Lana Del Rey -- "Paradise"
Lorde -- "Pure Heroine" 
Bruno Mars -- "Unorthodox Jukebox" -- WINNER 
Robin Thicke -- "Blurred Lines" 
Justin Timberlake -- "The 20/20 Experience -- The Complete Experience"

Best dance recording 
"Need U (100%)" -- Duke Dumont featuring A*M*E & MNEK
"Sweet Nothing" -- Calvin Harris featuring Florence Welch 
"Atmosphere" -- Kaskade 
"The is What it Feels Like" -- Armin Van Buuren featuring Trevor Guthrie
"Clarity" -- Zedd featuring Foxes -- WINNER

Best dance/electronica album 
"Random Access Memories" -- Daft Punk -- WINNER 
"Settle" -- Disclosure 
"18 Months" -- Calvin Harris 
"Atmosphere" -- Kaskade 
"A Color Map of the Sun" -- Pretty Lights

Best traditional pop vocal album 
"Viva Duets" -- Tony Bennett and various artists 
"To Be Loved" -- Michael Bublé -- WINNER 
"The Standards" -- Gloria Estefan 
"Cee Lo's Magic Moment" -- Cee Lo Green 
"Now" -- Dionne Warwick

Best rock performance 
Alabama Shakes -- "Always Alright" 
David Bowie -- "The Stars (Are Out Tonight)" 
Imagine Dragons -- "Radioactive" -- WINNER 
Led Zeppelin -- "Kashmir" 
Queens of the Stone Age -- "My God is the Sun" 
Jack White -- "I'm Shakin' "

Best metal performance 
Anthrax -- "T.N.T." 
Black Sabbath -- "God is Dead?" -- WINNER 
Dream Theater -- "The Enemy Inside" 
Killswitch Engage -- "In Due Time" 
Volbeat featuring King Diamond -- "Room 24"

Best rock song 
"Ain't Messin' 'Round" -- Gary Clark Jr. 
"Cut Me Some Slack" -- Paul McCartney, Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic, Pat Smear -- WINNER 
"Doom and Gloom" -- The Rolling Stones 
"God Is Dead?" -- Black Sabbath 
"Panic Station" -- Muse

Best rock album 
Black Sabbath -- "13" 
David Bowie -- "The Next Day" 
Kings of Leon -- "Mechanical Bull" 
Led Zeppelin -- "Celebration Day" -- WINNER 
Queens of the Stone Age -- "... Like Clockwork" 
Neil Young with Crazy Horse -- "Psychedelic Pill" 

Best alternative music album 
Neko Case -- "The Worse Things Get, The Harder I Fight, The Harder I Fight, The More I Love You" 
The National -- "Trouble Will Find Me"
Nine Inch Nails -- "Hesitation Marks" 
Tame Impala -- "Lonerism" 
Vampire Weekend -- "Modern Vampires of the City" -- WINNER

Best R&B performance 
Tamar Braxton -- "Love and War" 
Anthony Hamilton -- "Best of Me" 
Hiatus Kaiytoe featuring Q-Tip -- "Nakamarra" 
Miguel featuring Kendrick Lamar -- "How Many Drinks?" Snarky Puppy with Lala Hathaway -- "Something" -- WINNER

Best traditional R&B performance 
Gary Clark Jr. -- "Please Come Home" -- WINNER 
Fantasia -- "Get It Right"
Maysa -- "Quiet Fire"
Gregory Porter -- "Hey Laura"
Ryan Shaw -- "Yesterday"

Best R&B song 
"Best of Me" -- Anthony Hamilton 
"Love and War" -- Tamar Braxton 
"Only One" -- PJ Morton featuring Stevie Wonder 
"Pusher Love Girl" -- Justin Timberlake -- WINNER 
"Without Me" -- Fantasia featuring Kelly Rowland and Missy Elliott

Best urban contemporary album
Tamar Braxton -- "Love and War" 
Fantasia -- "Side Effects of You" 
Salaam Remi -- "One: In the Chamber" 
Rihanna -- "Unapologetic" -- WINNER 
Mack Wilds -- "New York: A Love Story"

Best R&B album 
Faith Evans -- "R&B Divas" 
Alicia Keys -- "Girl on Fire" -- WINNER 
John Legend -- "Love in the Future" 
Chrisette Michele -- "Better" 
TGT -- "Three Kings"

Best rap performance 
Drake -- "Started From the Bottom" 
Eminem -- "Berserk" 
Jay Z -- "Tom Ford" 
Kendrick Lamar -- "Swimming Pools (Drank)" 
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Wanz -- "Thrift Shop" -- WINNER

Best rap/sung collaboration 
J. Cole featuring Miguel -- "Power Trip"
Jay Z featuring Beyoncé -- "Part II (On the Run)" 
Jay Z featuring Justin Timberlake -- "Holy Grail" -- WINNER 
Kendrick Lamar featuring Mary J. Blige -- "Now or Never" 
Wiz Khalifa featuring the Weeknd -- "Remember You"

Best rap song 
"F***in' Problems" -- A$AP Rocky featuring Drake, 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar 
"Holy Grail" -- Jay Z featuring Justin Timberlake 
"New Slaves" -- Kanye West
"Started From the Bottom" -- Drake 
"Thrift Shop" -- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis -- WINNER

Best rap album 
Drake -- "Nothing Was the Same" 
Jay Z -- "Magna Carta ... Holy Grail" 
Kendrick Lamar -- "Good Kid, M.A.A.D City" 
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis -- "The Heist" -- WINNER 
Kanye West -- "Yeezus"

Best country solo performance 
Lee Brice -- "I Drive Your Truck" 
Hunter Hayes -- "I Want Crazy" 
Miranda Lambert -- "Mama's Broken Heart" 
Darius Rucker -- "Wagon Wheel" -- WINNER 
Blake Shelton -- "Mine Would Be You"

Best country duo/group performance 
The Civil Wars -- "From This Valley" -- WINNER
Kelly Clarkson featuring Vince Gill -- "Don't Rush" 
Little Big Town -- "Your Side of the Bed" 
Tim McGraw, Taylor Swift and Keith Urban -- "Highway Don't Care" 
Kenny Rogers With Dolly Parton -- "You Can't Make Old Friends"

Best country song 
"Begin Again" -- Taylor Swift 
"I Drive Your Truck" -- Lee Brice 
"Mama's Broken Heart" -- Miranda Lambert 
"Merry Go 'Round" -- Kacey Musgraves -- WINNER 
"Mine Would Be You" -- Blake Shelton

Best country album
Jason Aldean -- "Night Train" 
Tim McGraw -- "Two Lanes of Freedom" 
Kacey Musgraves -- "Same Trailer Different Park" -- WINNER 
Blake Shelton -- "Based on a True Story" 
Taylor Swift -- "Red"

Best Latin pop album 
Frankie J -- "Faith, Hope y Amor" 
Ricardo Montaner -- "Viajero Frecuente" 
Draco Rosa -- "Vida" -- WINNER 
Aleks Syntek -- "Syntek" 
Tommy Torres -- "12 Historias"

Best Latin rock, urban or alternative album 
Café Tacvba -- "El Objeto Antes Llamado Disco" 
El Tri -- "Ojo Por Ojo" 
Illya Kuryaki and the Valderramas -- "Chances" 
La Santa Cecilia -- "Treinta Dias" -- WINNER 
Los Amigos Invisibles -- "Repeat After Me" 

Producer of the year, nonclassical 
Rob Cavallo 
Dr. Luke 
Ariel Rechtshaid 
Jeff Tweedy 
Pharrell Williams -- WINNER

Best compilation soundtrack for visual media 
"Django Unchained" 
"The Great Gatsby" (deluxe edition) 
"Les Miserables" (deluxe edition 
"Muscle Shoals" 
"Sound City: Real to Reel" -- WINNER 

Best score soundtrack for visual media 
"Argo"
"The Great Gatsby" 
"Life of Pi" 
"Lincoln" 
"Skyfall" -- WINNER 
"Zero Dark Thirty"

Best song written for visual media 
Coldplay -- "Atlas" -- "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire" 
Jessie J -- "Silver Lining" -- "Silver Linings Playbook" 
Adele -- "Skyfall" -- "Skyfall" -- WINNER 
Colbie Caillat featuring Gavin DeGraw -- "We Both Know" -- "Safe Haven" 
Lana Del Rey -- "Young and Beautiful" -- "The Great Gatsby" (deluxe edition) 
Regina Spektor -- "You've Got Time" -- "Orange is the New Black"


Best music video 
Captial Cities -- "Safe and Sound" 
Jay Z -- "Picasso Baby: A Performance Art Film" 
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Ray Dalton -- "Can't Hold Us" 
Justin Timberlake featuring Jay Z -- "Suit & Tie" -- WINNER 
Jack White -- "I'm Shakin'"

Best music film 
Coldplay -- "Live 2012" 
Green Day -- "¡Cuatro!" 
Ben Harper With Charlie Musselwhite -- "I'm in I'm Out and I'm Gone: The Making of Get Up!" 
Paul McCartney -- "Live Kisses" -- WINNER 
Mumford & Sons -- "The Road to Red Rocks"